Thomas and Recaps
by TRikiD
Summary: So, in case you haven't read the books(I know I haven't), I'm gonna give you guys legit recaps of the Thomas and Friends series.(Inspired by DWK's MLP Legit Recap Series)
1. S1E1 Thomas and Gordon

**Sorry that most of these chapters will be pretty short. The length of the chapter will depend on the length of the episode(obviously).**

* * *

So, in case you haven't read the books(I know I fucking haven't), I'm gonna give you guys legit recaps of the Thomas and Friends series.

In the first episode, we meet this little blue asshole named Thomas. He's a special kind of steam engine, but I don't care enough to actually tell you what he is. If you're really that curious, just look it up on Wikipedia or something. Anyway, Thomas is described as a cheeky engine, which is just a roundabout way of saying he's a self-centered little cunt most of the time.

But I guess he's gotta have a big attitude since he doesn't have a big dick, unlike this next guy. This next guy is Gordon and he's a bigger tender engine, which just means he(like a bunch of other future characters) is whiny and gayer than a twelve dollar bill.

But Gordon tends to hide his queerness and pretend to be some macho man, so Thomas fucks with him a lot to bring out his feminine side…no, not like that, you pervert…but I like the way you think.

Anyway, since larger engines are normally supreme to smaller ones, Thomas was born into slavery and has to serve them or else he gets sacrificed to the train gods. He usually just pulls coaches and trailers out for them, and takes them away when they're done.

But whenever Thomas gets a chance to catch Gordon sleeping, he'll sneak up and scare the shit out of him with an MLG air horn.

And Thomas is like, "Yo, what's up, ya big blue slut with the big queer butt?!"

And Gordon's like, "Goddamn it, Thomas! I was havin' a very nice wet dream!"

"Was it about cocks?"

"No! And for the last time, I'm not gay!"

"Ya know, the harder you deny it, the more it sounds like you're lying. You shouldn't lie, Gordon, especially not to yourself. You're gonna wake up one day and regret that you didn't live life to the fullest, and suck as much dick as you could while still in your youth. And it's not just you, Gordon, it's every poor soul hiding in the closet. They feel trapped when they really aren't, and they sometimes don't realize that until it's too late."

"Wow, Thomas…I'm still mad at you, but that was pretty fuckin' deep, dude."

"Yeah, you might even say it was—balls deep."

So, like any sane person, Gordon forms a plan to get back at Thomas by stuffing shrooms into his funnel in his sleep, which causes him to trip acid the next morning. And when he brings Gordon's coaches out, he's too blasted to notice that he's still coupled up and gets dragged along.

Now, the idea here is that Gordon wants to teach Thomas a lesson and show him who works harder, which makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is that Gordon's plan actually works.

Lemme explain. See, when you put a car in neutral, it'll still roll forward or backward easily. I'm guessing this is the same with trains, but what the fuck do I know? Point is, getting dragged behind Gordon wouldn't affect Thomas because he's not on legs, he's on fucking wheels. There's no energy to exert here!

*sigh*Fuck this show's logic, man.

Anyway, when Gordon finally stops, Thomas is set free and wishes that he hadn't been born into slavery.

And Gordon's like, "Who's the slut now?"

And Tom is all, "You…bastard…my wheels…could've broken into little pieces…"

"Relax, you twat, this isn't fanfiction."


	2. S1E2 Edward and Gordon

So, there's another engine called Edward, but I keep getting him confused with Thomas since they're the only two smaller engines with the same shade of blue. Supposedly, Edward is one of the few engines who isn't an asshole in this show, and that's because he's actually older…and kinda cute in my opinion.

Anyway, Edward was older and smaller than all the other engines(except you, Thomas), so he was constantly depressed for not being used as much. And being the huge dickhead he is, Gordon's gonna exploit that depression.

So, Gordon's like, "You're nothin' but a limp-dick fucker, dude."

And Edward's all, "At least this limp dick got more pussy than you when I was your age."

"Fuck you!"

"That's not such a bad idea."

Eventually, Edward got enough pity out of a driver one day to get taken out for some work, and his mood flip-flopped faster than the shoe with the same name. He rambles on about having more jobs that night, and he totally fuckin' ignores everyone screeching at him to shut up.

When they all wake up the next morning, Gordon's all, "Alright, ya assholes, watch how real engines get riches and fuck bitches!"

But Edward's too much of a nice guy to give a shit, and he goes about his day of shunting trucks. That's another reason why Edward is, and always will be, more tolerable than everyone else. He's not in it for money or sex, he just wants to do his job knowing that it'll make someone else's day better.

Anyway, Gordon rolls by and he's pissed because he's not only not pulling fancy coaches, but he's also pulling a dirty-ass goods train.

And Big Blue's like, "For fuck's sake, I shouldn't be stuck doing this shit! I'm supposed to be the biggest pimp in town, not that fat, flabby, Abraham Lincoln wannabe!"

But Gordon eats his words when he can't get halfway up a huge hill, so they ask Edward to come help and push him.

So, Medium Blue's like, "What's wrong, bro?"

And Big Blue's just all, "Were you not paying attention? I can't get over this hill 'cause this train's too fuckin' long."

"Seems to me that you just need to work out more."

"Work out more?! Bitch, if I got any bigger, my boiler would literally explode! You ever seen a steam engine's boiler explode?! It's fucking horrible!"

"Yes, I've seen it firsthand. It happened dozens of times during Train War 1."

"Wait, you're a veteran?"

"Uh, duh!"

So, Edward pushes Gordon from behind and screams at him until he pulls his own weight, and they finally get him over the hill. But he fucks off without saying thank you, and even though Edward's a little pissed off, he still chooses to avoid confrontation.

His driver then tells him, "Don't worry, dude. He may be bigger and stronger than you, but at least you're not the one with performance issues."


	3. S1E3 The Sad Story of Henry

Right so, if you think anyone can't get any whinier or more pompous than Gordon, wait until you meet this motherfucker named Henry. He's a big engine that basically looks exactly like Gordon, except he's green and his nose is skinnier. And while Gordon hides his homosexuality, Henry doesn't give a shit and his so comfortable with his sexuality, that he flaunts it around like a giant cock…sometimes literally.

Now, Henry unfortunately falls into the stereotype that all gays are stuck up, snobby clean freaks(no offense), and he's too afraid of messing up his wax job in bad weather. Mostly because he just wants to impress his sugar daddy.

There's a bad rainstorm one day, and Henry locks himself up in a tunnel to stay dry, which really pisses off the passengers. This gets the attention of the railway's boss, which is a really dapper-looking sonofa bitch, but also a hefty guy who goes by a lot of weird names. He's usually either Sir Topham Hatt if you're American, or The Fat Controller if you're British. But for my sake, I'm just gonna call him a bunch of other names that make fun of his size since he's a one dimensional fat joke.

Anyway, Sir Fat Ass is like, "What's your excuse for being an angsty teen this time?"

And Henry's like, "I'll give you two excuses. One: I just got myself a premium wax job—that's not a double entendre, by the way…"

"I never said it was."

"And two: If I don't come back to my sugar daddy looking my best, he's gonna force me ta eat of bunch of sugary food again, which is why I can't get skinny anymore."

"Right, but like, you're an engine, you're supposed to be huge. And you've obviously got girth in at least one right place, so I don't know why you're complaining. If I could have a huge dick _and_ pull off being as heavy as you, I'd be an even bigger pimp than I am now. No pun intended."

Anyway, after trying and failing to make Henry forget about his insecurities, they try one last thing to get him out by luring him out with the weakest prey they have: Thomas. Why would Thomas help, you ask? It's simple, really. He hasn't hit puberty yet, but that doesn't mean his dick isn't in perfect working condition…that, and Thomas is still figuring out his sexuality.

Anyway, he tries fucking Henry's backdoor, but neither one of them get pleasure out of it.

And Henry's like, "Dude, I admire your vigor, but I've had midget cocks in my ass that've done better than you."

When that fails, The Fat Fuck has Henry's rails taken away, and they literally wall him up in the tunnel and leave him to die. Engines pass by and watch Henry's slowly-decaying corpse, and he can't even cry for help because they gagged him like the bitch he is.

…

…

…

I'm just kidding. Engines can't die of old age. And that just makes this whole thing even darker, doesn't it?


	4. S1E4 Edward, Gordon and Henry

So, we all know how Gordon's an asshole who thinks he's the most important, and bah blah blah…

But as luck would have it, something goes wrong with Gordon and he breaks down right outside the tunnel Henry's imprisoned in.

And Gordon's like, "What the fuck happened?! Why do I feel lighter all of a sudden?!"

And his driver's all, "Well, you were going so fast that your dick got caught in the tracks and was ripped clean off."

Somehow, Henry managed to get free of his gag at some point, and he starts laughing his ass off at Gordon.

So, Gordon's all, "Hey, this shit isn't funny! You know how easy it is for our genitalia to get caught in the tracks!"

And Henry's like, "I know, but it's always funny when it's someone else."

"As true as that is, I'm still the one in pain! So, if you don't shut up right now, I'm gonna fuck you up!"

"You really gotta watch what you say around me, Bro."

So then, Fatty-Fatty-Two-by-Four-Can't-Fit-Through-the-Kitchen-Door comes along, and he's like, "Humph! I never liked these big engines!"(canon dialogue)

At first, I thought he meant big engines in general, but I soon realized that he actually meant the engines he has now, specifically the two jackasses Gordon and Henry. Which begs the question, if they're such a pain in the ass, then why doesn't he just send 'em to some junkyard and replace them with more competent engines?

I mean, I get that getting a new engine isn't easy since these whores are expensive as shit, but it'll be worth it if they can actually do their job correctly, right?

Anyway, they call Edward over to help out again since he's the bottom bitch, and Gordon's like, "There's no way he's gonna fuckin' do it."

And Sir Carbs is all, "Shut the fuck up, Dude. Everyone knows Edward doesn't fuck up."

So, he fucks up.

"I called it. Literally, the only other person who has a better chance would be Henry."

Surprisingly, The Fat Cunt takes Gordon's sarcasm seriously, and they free Henry to give him another chance.

So then, The Fat Cunt's like, "Ok Henry, I'll give you a second chance at keeping your job, but only on one condition: You've gotta ditch your sugar daddy, and come work for a real pimp."

And Henry's all, "But who else will take in my disgusting body?"

"Uh, duh! Me! Best part is, I won't exploit your insecurities, and pressure you to look your best all the time."

"So, I don't have to get constant wax jobs anymore?"

"Nah, dude. Just do your job right, and you won't have to worry about suckin' dick to make money—most of the time."

So then, Henry and Edward take Gordon's train, they put Gordon's dick on ice before surgically putting it back, and he becomes too traumatized by the whole thing to bully Henry about his homosexuality again.


	5. S1E5 Thomas' Train

So, Thomas is goin' around actin' like a little bitch 'cause he's pissed off about being stuck in the yard again. And everyone else(including Edward, for some reason) is making fun of his misfortune because they think he's too retarded to do their jobs right.

And they're like, "Dude, we know you're a little kid with big dreams, but that's just it. You're a fucking child. You're too impatient, and you haven't had enough experience to make the right decisions yet."

And Thomas is all, "Fuck you guys! The only reason any of you assholes are still here is 'cause the Fat Bastard can't afford anyone better than you!"

Thomas ends up getting butt-hurt about what they said, so he sacrifices a few human kids to the train gods and begs them to make things go better for him. They seemed to have heard his cry, and Henry wakes up with AIDS the next morning.

Thomas feels guilty at first for cursing Henry, but he gets over it and realizes that he'd have to pull his train for him. Just to ensure that he gets the job, he sucks up to everyone and kisses ass to appease them. When Henry didn't show up, the Fat Bastard came by to see what was wrong(insinuating he didn't have a choice).

And he's like, "Goddamn it, that's the fifth time this month one of those engines got a sexual disease! This wouldn't happen if they made condoms for trains!"

Then, Thomas is like, "Oh, hello, wonderful boss of mine! How is your day going?"

"It's fucked. Thanks for asking."

"Oh, no problem, Sir. I'm just concerned for your well-being, and I want to make sure nothing goes wrong for you."

"You can drop the charade now."

"Thank fuck! I couldn't stand talking like a condescending shitlord much longer! Can I just take the train?"

"Sure, whatever. Just don't fuck up."

So, Thomas backs up to the train, but he's spazzing out so much that he doesn't wait to actually get hooked up. And most of you would say that he was too caught up in the moment to tell that everyone was trying to tell him to stop, not cheering him on. And to you, I would say, "You're almost as fuckin' retarded as Thomas."

Seriously, if I walked by a bunch of people, and they all flailed their arms around like something wasn't right, I would think something was actually wrong. Like, say your ass was on fire and you didn't even know it. What do you think would happen? Would people start clapping and cheering, or would they scream and wave at you in utter terror?

Don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question.

Anyway, Thomas comes up to a red light, and he's pissed off that he has to stop.

And the signal man comes up and asks, "The fuck are you doing out here, Dude?"

And Thomas is all, "I'm pulling a train, Dumbass."

"Uh, I'm either trippin' balls from the cocaine I snorted this morning, or you're actually fuckin' retarded 'cause there's nothin' there."

"Oh, shit! I didn't notice! Goddamn it, fuck me in the ass!"

"Whoa, be careful, Man! Henry might hear you!"

Thomas then does the walk of shame all the way back to the station, and the passengers are cussing out Sir Fatness.

And he's like, "Thomas, I told you not to fuck up, and what did you do?!"

"I fucked up."

"Yeah, and because of that, you're gonna be Henry's butt maid for a week!"

"But I'm technically already his maid, and he's got AIDS!"

"Exactly."


	6. S1E6 Trouble for Thomas

Ok so, Thomas is once again being a little prick, and complaining about being a slave to the bigger engines.

And he's like, "What the fuck has my life come to? All I wanna do is travel and use up all my flyer miles, but I'm stuck in this hell hole!"

And everyone else is just like, "Will you just shut the hell up already?! We're tryin' ta fuckin' sleep here!"

But then, Edward's all, "Hey, dude, I got a proposition for you. Since you're like a little brother to me, I'll let you take my freight train tomorrow, and I'll take your place in the yard."

"Really? That'd be awesome!"

"Good. Now, can you knock that shit off? Everyone's right, you're being annoying."

The next morning, Thomas goes to collect the freight train…which is comprised of sentient trucks and carts. Now, we all still can't seem to wrap our heads around why engines would be given a face along with human cognitive thought and speech, but the fact that the trucks are alive as well is just fucking cruel.

Sure, if an engine gets into a crash, it's normally the first thing to get fucked up since it's going into the wreck head-on. But the only thing that gets more fucked up than the engine is its train, and that doesn't help if it's alive. I mean, just think about all the shit they go through! They get banged up, yanked, tossed about, turned over, pulled apart and even crushed, and that's only half of their suffering!

It's no fucking wonder the trucks in this show are bigger assholes than everyone else! Their lives are treated like nothing but a joke, and their only coping mechanism is making everyone else's lives slightly shittier than theirs with what little time they have on this Earth.

It's just…fucking horrible. I don't even care about the trucks that much, but their abuse is just somehow a little…relatable.

…

…

Sorry, I forgot what I was talking about.

Anyway, since Thomas never dealt with trucks before, he has no idea what he's in for and is literally about to take it up the ass. He starts going faster and tells the trucks to speed up, which is just foreshadowing how this episode is gonna end.

When they get to the huge hill that Gordon couldn't get over, now known as "Gordon's Bitchass Hill," the trucks get their revenge and fuck Thomas up, both literally and metaphorically. The force is so strong that it pushes him through the station, and he crashes into some buffers.

And for some reason, The Fat Fuck is waiting there for him and he's like, "Well, if it ain't my favorite little fuck up. How did your retardedness get in the way of doing your job this time, Thomas?"

And Thomas is like, "Dude, I _swear_ I didn't mean for this to happen! Edward offered to let me take his train, but they dicked me over."

"Yeah, and you forgot to Google the trucks' soul purpose before you did. Trucks. Are. Dickheads. If you'd just stopped bitching about following your dreams and did your homework, this wouldn't have happened. Now, get your ass back to the yard. You're grounded."


	7. S1E7 Thomas and the Breakdown Train

Ok so, The Fat Guy's like, "Ok, Thomas, do you remember what your job is?"

And Tom's like, "Of course I do, Sir! I'm a helper in the train yard."

"Yes…"

"I shunt trucks and coaches for the other bigger engines."

"Keep going…"

"I can only do smaller jobs because of my size and race. If I ever try to do something out of my league, the balance would be off, and the train gods would destroy the entire-."

"Ok, that's far enough!"

So, the exposition ritual is complete, which summons a whole new character to fuck up just as much as Thomas(because we were all getting bored of everyone else).

The new guy's name is James, and he's basically a recolor of Edward. I mean, sure he has a different face, but the only time anyone pays attention to someone else's face is when there's a money shot involved. Aside from that, James is a totally narcissistic kiss ass who only cares about his paintwork. And do we ever get an explanation as to why he care so much about how he looks?

Nope. It's all left up to the imagination of devoted fans like us(I'm looking at you, fanfic writers. Get to work on writing an angsty story that involve James working at a brothel or crack house in the past, and everyone he works for pressures him for looking presentable enough for his "appointments".)

Anyway, James was summoned so quickly that he's thrown right into the yard with a huge train behind him. The velocity is so strong that his brakes get fucked up, and he's pushed all the way out into the countryside. Thomas is still pissed off about what the trucks did to him in the last episode, so he grabs a breakdown train to rescue James from an inevitable wreck.

And I'm just sitting here thinking, "Finally, a vehicle that's not cursed to live with physical and emotional feelings. I sure hope the writers for the show don't create an alternate universe where this one breakdown train comes to life in the future…"(Fuck you, Adventure Begins movie)

As expected, James gets in an accident and crashes into a field, where he accidentally kills some innocent cows.

And the trucks are like, "Well, we can't say we didn't deserve this, but it's also James' fault for having wooden brakes."

And Thomas is all, "The fuck? Who would be stupid enough to give an engine, or any vehicle for that matter, wooden. Fucking. Brakes?!"

"That's what we said, but the plot wouldn't listen."

"Are you talking about the story kind, or the pony kind?"

"Uh, the story kind."

"Right, right…just checking to make sure there weren't any…soft, little, fuckable ponies around…"

Admit it, you'd fuck pony plots, too.

Anyway, James is lifted out of the field and Thomas is like, "So, how'd you get here, Dude?"

And James is like, "I dunno, Man. One minute, I was hittin' the bong with some friends, and the next, I was tossed through some portal with these trucks attached to me. At first, I thought I was just blasted off my ass from the drugs, but I realized it was real when a bunch of cow guts flew into my mouth."

"Yeah, sorry about that. My boss and I were just doing the daily exposition ritual, and we forgot to draw the no-plot-device chalk circle."

"Eh, it's alright. At least now, I have an excuse to get these fuckin' brakes replaced. I never actually needed them since I always went so slow from the weed."

"Speaking of which, do you have any on you?"

"Hell yeah, Dude! I never leave home without any!"

"Sweet! Let's take you to get repaired, and get a good buzz while we're at it!"

…

…

Oh, and Thomas is given his own branch line, by the way.


	8. S1E8 James Learns a Lesson

So, because of my very brief statement about Thomas getting a branch line in the last recap, I thought I should explain a bit more. Basically, after realizing that he has a whole new retarded character to fuck everything up, The Hefty Bag knew he had to give Thomas a different job and purpose in the show, or else there would be too many annoying characters in one place.

I know most of you already know that, but I didn't want you guys bitching about it in the comments.

Anyway, The Fat Bastard's like, "Alright, after your entrance yesterday, I'm gonna pair you with Edward since you're less likely to fuck up around him."

So, James and Edward take a bunch of coaches, but James gets so excited that he blows a load all over The Fat Bastard's new hat. But he doesn't have time to yell at him because the train gets going, and James is left to worry about getting fired for the rest of the day.

They pull up to a station where Thomas is waiting, and he's like, "Oh, heyyy! How's it goin' James? Feelin' any better after what happened yesterday?"

And James is like, "C'mon, Man, do ya have to rub it in? I thought we were friends."

"Yeah, I'm just messin' with ya. I can't stay mad at you after you gave me that weed. Seriously, that was some first class shit."

So, Tom fucks off and James starts thinking about seeing Sir Fatass again, and Edward just makes it worse when he makes them go by the field James crashed into.

And he's all, "Oh, look! It's the field you crashed into! See all the dead cows? I heard you swallowed one. Does cow taste good?"

Ya know, Edward, I really hate to say it, but FUCK YOU. You took James back here on purpose, and he had no choice! You were the one leading the train, and James didn't know where the fuck he was going anyway! I don't get what game you're playing at here since you never treat anyone else like this, but this is some bullshit. Is it because you feel like you're getting replaced? Is it because you're jealous of James' sexy red paint? Or is it because everyone literally likes him better than you because he's a recolor?!

*sigh*Sorry, I'm overanalyzing stuff again, I know. Just gimme a minute while a get the bleach…

Sooo, after that, Sir Big Smoke pays James a visit, and he's all, "I can promise you this, James. If you don't shape up, I'm gonna lock you up in your room, and paint you the same shade of white as the jizz you stained my new Goddamn hat with!"

So, now that James has to live with the fear of becoming a literal cum-covered whore, he lashes out at the coaches. But his tantrum results in his dick giving one of the coaches a black eye, and they refuse to go any further until they use one of the passengers as a virgin sacrifice to summon some black magic and heal the black eye.

Unfortunately, none of the passengers admits to being a virgin, but they start getting suspicious of him because he's wearing the biggest pair of boots on the train. And as we all know, when men sport something new and/or big, they're compensating for something. So, they kill the man with the big boots, the black magic is summoned to heal the coach's black eye, and they continue on while James figures out that he has even more problems. Not only will his boss paint him with jizz the next time he gets in trouble, but he'll probably also go to court for domestic abuse.


	9. S1E9 Foolish Freight Cars

So, James was locked up in his room for being 'naughty', and The Hefty Bag is like, "Guess what, James. Because you violated that poor coach, everyone's spreading rumors that my employees get abused."

And James is like, "Well…aren't we?"

"Yeah, but I don't want everyone to actually believe it! My business would get shut down, and then where would we be? Thomas would be working for some white supremacist, Gordon and Edward would be destroyed in some stupid kid's YouTube video, Henry would have to go back to his abusive sugar daddy, and you'd have to work at some rundown whore house. Is that what you want, James? 'Cause that's _exactly_ what's gonna happen if you don't get your shit together."

So, James breaks out crying right there, and Sir Fatness gets so annoyed by his screeching that he lets him out for another job.

But as soon as he gets to the yard, Tommy's like, "Here's your freight train, Dude! Be careful with your dick this time, 'kay? Wouldn't want people thinking you hit your faithful trucks!"

And James is like, "Fuck you, Thomas!"

And the trucks are all, "Oh, come on! Did ya have to dump us onto this red dickhead?!"

And I'm just like, "Dude, I'd be grateful for some red dick right now. The redder, the better.*clicks tongue*"

Anyway, James ignores them and drags them all the way down the line, despite that they literally have their brakes on the whole way. But when they get to Gordon's Bitchass Hill, the tail end of the train brakes off and rolls back down to the bottom.

When Edward nearly crashes into them, James comes back down and cusses the trucks out before pulling them back up.

And Edward's like, "Hey, Dude! Need some help?"

And James is all, "Nope! I got it! Thanks for not bein' an asshole!"

"No problem! Just don't inhale anymore cows on your way! Steak is easy to choke on!"

"Nevermind…"

So, James takes the whole train over the hill and gets it to the train, and The Fat Guy pops up.

And he's like, "Ya know, James, I learned something today." (imagine them talking in slow, condescending tones)

And James is like, "What's that, Sir?"

"I learned that sometimes, domestic abuse is a necessary evil if you want troublesome trucks to listen."

"Does this mean I get to keep my red paint?"(the condescending tones end here)

"Look, I lied about taking your red paint, ok? I just said that to keep you in line. I can't paint you a different color because I need at least one red rocket on my railway to attract the bitches."


	10. S1E10 James and the Express

I know I haven't included the narrator in any of the recaps yet, but I'm gonna let him speak this time because of this one opening line:

"One night, Henry and Gordon were alone with James."

Do I even have to say it? I mean, it's already so out of context that if you don't know the characters and/or haven't watched the show, your dirtied mind will immediately assume it's a prison rape joke. And sure, that's funny any all to most of you(probably all of you since you're reading this smutty shit), but it's just such low-hanging fruit either way.

Anyway, the other engines are like, "Hey, James! Needed anymore virgin sacrifices lately? Why don't you just sacrifice yourself?"

And James is like, "What makes you think I'm a virgin?"

"We never said you were."

"Damnit! You two aren't ones ta talk! Gordon, you're nothing but a fat bitch that hides in the closet! And Henry, you're just a giant, green faggot!"

"What the fuck, James?!"

"What? I'm just saying since he's gay-."

"Are you insinuating that all gay people are faggots?! Jesus Christ, that's just homophobic! Ellen DeGeneres would be ashamed of you!"

So, the next morning comes, and Gordon's spazzing on about how he's the best on the railway and that he pulls the express that compensates for his dick.

And he's like, "Alright, ya dumb red whore, go get my coaches before I give _you_ a black eye!"

James gets the coaches and Gordon fucks off, which leaves James alone to work in the yard wondering about what his life could amount up to, if it even will. All day, he contemplates if he'll ever get his dick wet again before he turns thirty, if he'll become some famous influencer or motivational speaker, or if he'll somehow fuck up every chance he had at great life and get sent to the chop shop…

…

…

Being an engine must suck.

Anyway, Gordon ends up getting turned around like in that one Disney movie about a llama, and he tries to avoid getting spotted. But if anyone has a better bullshit detector than Gordon, it's James.

And he's like, "Well, if it isn't Mr. Blue Balls. Were you afraid of giving yourself a black eye with your oh-so proclaimed huge junk?"

And Gordon's all, "Actually, the tracks got switched, and I was put onto an abandoned railroad. And one of the coaches started poking at my backdoor while telling me no one would hear me scream, so I booked it back here as fast as I could."

And James is like, "Perhaps it was instinct!"(canon dialogue)

And no, I don't know why the narrator gave James a higher-pitched voice to make him sound more like an asshole, but I'm just glad he's using some vocal diversity for once.

Anyway, all the passengers are pissed, and Sir Biggy's like, "James, since Gordon's too scared to pull the raping coach, could you please do it so that everyone will shut the fuck up?"

So, James pulls the express, The Big Pimp lets him start pulling it once in a while so that Gordon can take some time off to forget about his scarring days in prison, and the two stop calling each other faggots.


	11. S1E11 Thomas and the Conductor

So, Thomas is all proud and shit about his branch line, and his coaches(who are undoubtedly the red rum twins from The Shining) are old and saggy but they care about Thomas and vice versa. I'm not joking. Despite their demonic tendencies, the Annabelle coaches never get upset with Thomas because they knew he's a literal and metaphorical manchild.

Anyway, Thomas is gettin' all huffy because Henry's running late. And when he does show up, Tom's like, "What the hell took you so long?"

And Henry's like, "Sorry, Man. I woke up with explosive diarrhea this morning, and I was stuck on the toilet for two hours."

"Well, maybe if you'd eat right and exercise more, you wouldn't have so many problems, yeah?"

"But it's not my fault! My old sugar daddy used to force junk food down my throat, and it fucked up my entire immune system! I've been trying to lose weight and get healthier ever since I got here, but nothing seems to work and no one even cares! My insides have been maliciously twisted, and the only way I can numb the pain is with drugs and booze…just like I did with my old boss…"

Sooo, Henry breaks down crying and Thomas gets the fuck outta there, but he was so captivated by Henry's sob story that he forgot to let the conductor on the train. The red rum coaches try to tell him what happened, but Tom won't listen because he's too busy thinking about what it must've been like to live Henry's old life.

It's not until they come to a red signal that Thomas realizes there's no conductor, and he's like, "What happened to the conductor, ya dumb whores? Did you kill him to scare some autistic child again?"

And they're like, "No, dickhead! You left him behind when you were too busy crying on the inside for Henry!"

But then, the conductor comes down the line at Sonic speed(gotta go fast), and he's totally outta breath.

And Thomas is like, "Whoa, sorry! I didn't mean to leave you back there! I was just…distracted…"

And the conductor's like, "Hey, don't worry about it. Henry guilt tricks all of us with his back story."


	12. S1E12 Thomas Goes Fishing

Ok so, Thomas is still disturbed by Henry's story from the last episode, so he tries to take his mind off of the sadness by looking for hobbies. And the most peaceful hobby he can think of is fishing, and he completely forgets the fact that engines can't fish because…physics.

But he goes around telling everyone, "Look, if we don't figure out ways to take our minds off the depressing joke that is Henry's life, we'll all spend the rest of our waking life in hell. So, I think we should all pick up some hobbies, something like…I dunno, fishing?"

And they're like, "Dude, just shut the fuck up, and go see a therapist."

"Are there even therapists for trains?"

"No, and I was speaking metaphorically. When I say 'therapist', I mean 'get back on your medicinal weed again'."

So, Thomas takes their advice and tries to make his own drugs, but he needs water and the nearest water tower is empty, so he…goes to the river?

Thomas, seriously, are you feeling ok? I mean, you're on an island with multiple steam engines, which obviously need a lot of water to operate, so you should automatically assume there's more than one water tower to use that won't even be empty. But nooooo, Thomas is too impatient to go to the next water tower, and hauls water out of the river with a bucket.

But since the bucket has holes, he has to store the water in his boiler and carry it all the way back to his drug lab. On their way back, Thomas stops because he feels backed up, and he's puffing out too much steam.

And he's like, "I'm going to burst! I'm going to burst!"(canon dialogue)

And then, all you filthy perverts were suddenly paying _very_ close attention, weren't you? I mean, I won't lie, my mind went to a few dark places when I heard that line, too, and I bet you were all thinking some cleverly-constructed, elaborate, dirty joke about all of Thomas' orifices getting molested by giant cocks.

Oh boy, you're all so proud of yourselves for coming up with those jokes, aren't you? Did ya do some deep Reddit digging just to find some good source material? Good. For. You. You've finally achieved the black belt level of dirty minds, and we're only twelve episodes in.

God help you all.

Aaaanywaaayyy, they pull Thomas over and call over an engine inspector and Sir Fatass. And when they finally arrive, they find out something's blocking the 'feed pipe'.

So, the inspector takes a look and he's like, "Huh, that's…not how I expected my day to start…"

And Sir Top Cat's like, "What's wrong with him?"

"Dude, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just look for yourself."

So, The Fat Fuck looks and he's like, "Well, slap my ass and call me Judy! You're full of used condoms, rusty needles and solo cups, Thomas!"

And Thomas is like, "What the actual dick-flicking fuck?! How?!"

And his driver's like, "Oh yeeaaahhh, we went fishing in the old, brown river where toxic waste gets dumped. I forgot that place is hazardous. My bad, Bro."

So, they try to fish all the trash out of Thomas' tank, and Sir Fatness…just stands by and tells them how? Dude, I get that you're a busy man and all, but if you know how to fish, then why don't you just do it yourself? One of your best whores' lives is on the line, and you're. Just. Standing there.

Anyway, he's like, "So, Thomas, did you learn anything today?"

But Thomas is too busy having a nervous breakdown from the feeling of used condoms inside him to speak, and he never goes near large and/or dirty bodies of water again.


	13. S1E13 Terence the Tractor

Ok so, winter is coming(I fucking dare you to use the meme) on Sodor, and Thomas meets this new tractor character named Terence because the fans were getting tired of engines.

And Terence is like, "Yo, what up, brotha from anotha motha? Name's Terence! What's yours?"

And Thomas is like, "Thomas. Now, kindly fuck off and never talk to me again."

Now, of course, since Terence isn't an engine, he's doomed to live the life of a side/gag character that'll only show up when the plot calls for a hero(aka damage control). But despite all this, as well as Thomas' shit, Terence is a pretty chill dude because he's content with plowing both fields and bitches.

Anyway, winter gets here and that forces all the engines to wear snowplows, but Thomas hates wearing one because it's "heavy and uncomfortable." Ya wanna know what else is heavy and uncomfortable, Thomas? Gordon's ass, Henry's tragic back story, and James' dick. They have to deal with that stuff twenty-four-seven, and you don't hear them fucking complaining, do you?!

Also, the other reason Thomas doesn't wanna wear his snowplow is because he thinks nothing of it.

And he's like, "If I can inhale three kilos of cocaine, I think I can handle some other non-drug based white powder."

But they don't believe him, so they make him wear it anyway. But he throws a tantrum and breaks the shit out of it, so they…don't think to just get a different one.

And Thomas gets all excited, and he's like, "Yeah, now I won't have to wear that faggoty thing again!"

And the Annabelle coaches are all, "Ok, one: You can't just go around using that word because people are overtly sensitive these days. And two: You just fuckin' jinxed yourself, which ultimately means us, too. So, when you're ass-deep in hot water, we're just gonna sit back and watch as you drown in blood, get possessed by demons, and choke on your disembodied dick after it got hacked off by a masked man with a chainsaw."

Soooo, Thomas gets so spooked by his coaches' threat, that he speeds into a valley, where a truck carrying cocaine rolled over and spilled its cargo, and he got stuck in a huge pile of grade-a drugs. This results in Thomas tripping balls the whole time, and he imagined Terence coming along to save him and his coaches. But the reality is that no one found them, and they all slowly froze to death.

The end.

…

…

…

Nah, I'm just kidding. Terence really did come along to save them all, and he's like, "So, do you still want me to fuck off after I literally saved your life and your career?"

And Thomas is all, "No, because I learned something today. Two things, in fact. I learned that being a judgmental asshole does, in fact, make me an asshole. I also learned that doing drugs makes things in life, like suppressing your emotions or accepting the fact that you'll never amount to more than you were made for…so…much…easier."


	14. S1E14 Thomas and Bertie's Great Race

So, Thomas is just dickin' around one day, and this bus named Bertie(real original, I know) pulls up, and…I honestly don't know anything about him because I really don't care.

Anyway, Bertie's like, "Oh, heyyy! You're that engine that was inhaled by a pile of cocaine, and then got his assed molested by a tractor!"

And Tommy's like, "Hey, whatever you heard isn't true! I wasn't fucked in the ass, I was just…saved from the cocaine pile."

"Ya know, the longer you stick to the subject, the weirder and less practical you make your case sound. And that's why I've come to take your passengers. You're obviously pretty fuckin' insane, and you should be sent to a mental hospital."

"Dude, if anyone cared how crazy I was, I, along with literally the rest of the cast, would've been sent away since the first episode."

"True, but you're dangerously stupid nonetheless, which means we're obligated to race each other in order to see who's more competent."

So then, these two start arguing like a couple of five years olds, and that makes me wonder…how old _are_ these characters? I mean, they have their own jobs and they don't seem to live with any parents(if they even have any), but does that mean they're considered adults in this world? If they were, I'd take Gordon for someone in his mid-to-late twenties, and Thomas might be in his late teens. And even if they are adults, they certainly don't act like it.

Seriously, these guys fight over the stupidest shit sometimes, ranging from who's the fastest to who's the biggest and strongest. What's worse is that I can't tell if the way they turned out meant they had normal childhoods, or if it meant they had a childhood as fucked up as Henry's…and no, I'm not saying a child should live with some sexually-charged man in a brothel, I'm just saying…that…ya know what, fuck you!

Anyway, Thomas and Bertie start their race, and they finally apply some actual train physics in this show when Thomas has a slow start since trains are like hurricanes…they're slow to respond, and they don't have a lot of satisfying results(yes, that was a Jeff Dunham reference and if you don't like it, you can blow me).

Thomas eventually gets ahead at the engine crossing, and he's like, "Suck my dick, you long, red prick!"

So then, this shit goes back and forth and I lost track of it at some point because I'm fat and lazy, and watching these two is making me tired and sweaty.

But Thomas wins anyway, and he's like, "I may have won, but you did pretty good, too, Dude! And I'm not saying that 'cause I care about your feelings, it's actually because this is a kids' how and we don't want the targeted demographic to know that trying and losing means you fucked up in life, and that you should just give up."


	15. S1E15 Tenders and Turntables

So, the narrator's like, "Henry and Gordon were lonely when Thomas left the yard to run his branch line. They missed him very much."(canon dialogue)

And I'm like, "We all get lonely sometimes, guys. That's what fleshlights and body pillows are for."

If you thought I would be too mature to make that joke, you're sadly mistaken.

Anyway, the tender engines are all complaining, and Sir Fat Cunt's gettin' tired of their bullshit. So, to get back at them, he told the operators of the turntables to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Also, the reason they have the turntables is because it's quote-unquote "too dangerous for tender engines to backwards fast"…which is a good reason. Ok, I imagine you've never been an engine before, let alone one with a tender, so lemme explain this shit to you. Your tender is not only your undeniably huge ass(I'm not calling you fat, so quit reading too much into everything I say), but it's also literally your life support because it holds all the coal and water you need to move. Now, imagine running backwards into a dangerous situation. I don't know how well an engine's peripheral vision is, but I'm pretty sure they can't fully see their ass. And do you know what that means? It means that every time you run backwards at high speeds, your life supporting ass has a high risk of getting hacked off or even completely destroyed.

I'm not trying to suck the tender engines' dicks too hard, I just wanted to justify their whining and suffering for having tenders.

Anyway, Gordon gets all huffy when he gets onto a turntable, which means he can't concentrate on centering himself(I think we can all relate to this). And because he can't center himself, the turntable operator can't get his revenge against Gordon…for being a dickhead.

But even then, Gordon can't get turned around, so he has to pull his coaches backwards.

And Thomas is like, "Glad to see you switching things up a bit, Gordon! Your ass isn't nearly as ugly as your face!"

And James is like, "Yeah, and some people are happier when they take it in the mouth instead of up the ass! Just ask Henry!"

But James eats his own words when he gets onto the turntable perfectly, and the operator spins him around until he vomits.

When James finally stops throwing up, Gordon's like, "Look, we shouldn't have to take all this shit! We're gonna do something about this, and we're gonna do it now! Just like in that episode of SpongeBob where he and Squidward refused to work!"

And they're like, "Who the fuck is SpongeBob and Squidward?"

"Oh, right, we're not in the late nineties yet…forget what I said! We're going on strike!"


	16. S1E16 Trouble in the Shed

So, ever since the chicken tender engines went on strike, no work was getting, and people were starting to riot and threatening to sue.

And the station master's like, "Uh, Boss? There's, like, a riot outside and people are getting upset."

And The Fat Guy's like, "No shit, Sherlock."

"Actually, there _is_ shit. Some kid got tired of waiting, so he shat on one of the benches."

So, Sir TH heads over to the shed, and all I can think of the whole time is Shed 17(yeah, that one). But seriously, if you're into some horrifying shit that'll ruin your childhood, you should totally check it out.

Anyway, Sir TH is like, "Alright, motherfuckers! Get the hell out, and get to work before I scrap your asses!"

And Gordon's like, "Bitch, we don't know you! And if you don't get someone else to do our shunting for us, we'll keep denying your existence!"

So, despite his best efforts against plausible deniability, The Fat Cat knows there's nothing he can do but ask the bottom bitch.

And he's like, "Ok, Edward, since you're the nice guy, I'd like you to do exactly what I say without question."

And Eddy's like, "Uh, ok? I kinda do that anyway…"

"Exactly, and that's why I trust you with the shunting that your incompetent fellow tender buddies refuse to do."

"Have you ever tried swiping left?"

"Not _that_ Tinder, wiseass."

"Right, an engine shouldn't be on a…dating app…or anything…"

So, Edward does the shunting and the tender engines come out, but they keep treating him like a little bitch and blow their steamy loads on him.

And Sir Flabs is like, "Jesus Christ, is this what you have to put up with?!"

And Edward's like, "Yeah, but there's really nothing I can do about it. They're all bigger and/or younger than me, so fighting back would just be stupid."

"Maybe alone it is, but it wouldn't be if you had someone to back you up."

So, Sir Flabs goes to an engine shop, and he picks out an adorable little green engine named Percy. Now, Percy seems like a child, maybe in his early teens, so even though he's not an asshole like most characters, he's still fuckin' retarded. If you don't believe me, just wait and see. If you don't wanna wait and see, you can blow me.

Anyway, they take Percy to the yard, and he starts working pretty well. And he does something even better when Henry tries to blow a load all over Edward, but Percy beats him to it and blows a load of his own all over him.

And Ed's like, "Whoa, that was awesome! I never thought I'd see someone with a bigger cumshot than Henry!"

And Percy's like, "You said he came from an abusive sugar daddy, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, that's the thing. I come from an even more sorrowful tale, a place that produces something far worse than sugar daddies: A Victorian workhouse. When you're as poor and young as me, you can't get anywhere in life if you don't produce as much jizz as you possibly can."

"Jesus, that's just…fucked up…"

"Yeah, but they helped make it better with a shit-ton of gin."

Aaaanyyywaayyyy, Thomas shows up to meet the newbie, and he's like, "Well, what do we have here? Adorkable design, completely pure and naïve personality, and something that isn't blue—you stick out almost as much as James, Kid."

"And that's…bad?"

"It is if you work with Henry."


	17. S1E17 Percy Runs Away

So, The Fat Pimp's like, "Alright, ya dumb whores, I hope you learned your lesson. Otherwise, I'll have to send you somewhere even worse than Shed Seventeen."

And they're like, "What could be worse than that?"

"It's somewhere deep within the annals of the show's fandom. All three of you will plunge into an endless abyss of darkness where no one will hear you scream, and you'll be forced to live your worst nightmares while the demons of the darkness take pleasure in your pain and fear."

"You mean the smutty fanfic section?"

"Pretty much."

So, Sir TH fucks off and tells Thomas, Edward and Percy that they can take a few days off while the bigger engines do their jobs. But Thomas and Edward forgot that Percy tended to get PTSD flashbacks about being left alone with bigger engines than him, but they're too busy with their vacationing to notice or care.

Also, the presence of signalmen, and people in general, in this show raise a very important question here: Who's the superior race here? I just don't get it. I mean, the engines act like they're in total control, but they can't stop or start unless there's someone fondling their controls(I do mean that as a double entendre). Does this mean that every time these guys go on one of their retarded little adventures, the humans in them just go along with it? Do they not know how much danger they're in, or do they just not care?

Maybe they realized that having to live in a strange world where vehicles are cursed with sentience is utter madness, and that death is the only escape. That's why they never leave. That's why they never protest. They just want to be released from this tangent universe filled with completely incompetent engines that get into trouble everyday.

Anyway, Percy's PTSD is triggered when he's just dicking about on the main line, and Gordon comes plunging through without warning. Percy gets so scared that he fucks off and accidentally leaves his humans behind, which means he can't stop. He doesn't stop until he crashes ass-first into a pile of dirt, and he starts bawling while remembering getting molested in the boy's shower at the workhouse.

Then, Gordon shows up and he's like, "That was fuckin' metal, Dude!"

And Percy's like, "What the fuck are you talking about?! You scared the shit outta me, you asshole!"

"Yeah, and in doing so, you literally ran all the way across the island _backwards_. If I could do stuff backwards at half the speed you did, you wouldn't find me working here, I can tell ya that much."

"So, you're _not_ going to molest me?"

"Nah, I'm not into guys. But just a little heads up: Next time you think about rushing into anything backwards, watch your ass or else Henry will be on it flies on shit."


	18. S1E18 Henry's Special Coal

Ok so, Henry's feeling all depressed about his weight and size, but no one gives a shit because it makes him sound like a douche. And during Henry's little weeping session, his immune system gets even more fucked up and Sir TH is not havin' it.

So, The Fat Cunt's like, "Look, if you don't get off your sorry ass, I'm gonna have ta scrap ya. And in case you forgot, or if you're just retarded, that means death."

And Henry's like, "I'm sorry, man, I really am. I'm just having a little existential crisis right now, and I really don't wanna drag anyone down with me. I'm just not worth it."

"And you know what happened to those who were actually left alone?"

"What?"

"They either lived a life of absolute misery, or they killed themselves. Frankly, neither of those will benefit me, so I'm gonna hang with you for a day to see what's wrong with you."

"No, please don't."

"Too bad, motherfucker. You're getting all the love and attention, whether you like it or not."

So, The Fat Cunt dresses up like a regular engine driver to fool the others so that they don't feel pressured in the presence of their boss, and they start Henry up…with a fire in his firebox…huh.

I'm just curious. Can an engine feel when they're burning coal or fuel in them? And if so, does that mean they can feel literally anything else, such as people getting all up inside them? Like, I get it if they don't feel anything when there's something in their coaches 'cause, like, they're obviously…not neurotically attached to them. But is this the case with their cabs? If they can feel stuff inside them, what kind of feelings does that arise for them? Like, do they feel irritated and pained when people walk inside of them…or do they get aroused? Is it subjective?

These are the questions, people.

Anyway, turns out, the problem is a combination of shitty coal, and the fact that Henry has a really small firebox(which is also a way of saying he has a small dick). So, Sir TH decides to give Henry another chance by buying him a special brand of coal mixed with something called opium: A narcotic that'll help with his depression, and give him the energy to work harder.

And when Henry gets injected with the stuff, it knocks him off his fuckin' ass.

And Sir TH is like, "How you feelin', Bro?"

And Henry's like, "I feel like I just snorted a kilo of cocaine!"

Then, he heads over to Thomas' station, and he's like, "What the fuck took you so long?! I've been waitin' here for, like, twenty minutes! Nevermind, fuck you! Gotta go!"

So, he fucks off and Tommy's like, "Jesus Christ, what the hell got into him?"

And the Annabelle coaches are all, "Oh, the boss ordered some special coal to help him. We call it 'Henry's Opium'."

"'Henry's Opium', eh? Well, I guess you could say what _really_ made him more energetic was something I'd rather call the 'HO'."


	19. S1E19 The Flying Kipper

So, Henry's still getting a good buzz from his opium, and his driver's like, "Alright, dude, time for some first-class subterfuge that'll put your high to some _real_ use. We're gonna take the Flying Kipper, which will empress the boss so that we can pull the express and rub it in Gordon's face."

And Henry's like, "So, are we just trying to get a better job, or make Gordon look like a little bitch?"

"Why not just call it a little bit of both?"

"I guess you could if you wanted to. I mean, don't get me wrong, Gordon's a fuckin' asshole who deserves to be knocked down a few pegs once in a while, but I don't want that weighing down on my conscience in case I somehow get off my opium."

"Don't worry about that. It's got total immunity against plot resolution because it _is_ the plot resolution."

So, they head over to the docks where there's a big-ass train of fish waiting for them, and this train is interesting to me. The Flying Kipper is a recurring thing throughout the entire series, and it's usually in the negative sense that no one wants to take it because it makes them smell like dead fish. And that makes me wonder, why do engines care what they smell like? You'd think with all the hard work they do with dirty freight trains and dust and dirt and shit that they wouldn't care about what they smell like. And they get cleaned eventually anyway, so what's the fuckin' problem here?! Why do you all have to bully each other over every little fuckin' thing?! It's the current year, ya fuckin' degenerates! Grow up before I shove a titanium dick up your prejudice assholes!

…

…

I started arguing with the show again, didn't I? Ya know what, just forget I said anything.

Anyway, Henry takes the train and he's feeling happy for himself for once, but Mother Nature is about to make him take it up the ass because the snow and ice made it impossible for him to see a danger signal. Said signal was to tell him that there's another train on the line, and that he should obviously stop…or else he might die, which would be horrible…not that I wouldn't pay to see it.

And, for some reason, the drivers and fireman of the other train are drinkin' some beer in the caboose, and the driver's like, "Dude, we gotta get the hell outta here, like, now. The Flying Kipper's coming, and if we don't leave now, we'll be human pancakes."

And the fireman's like, "Fuck you, Man! This is my cheat day, and by God, I'm gonna fuckin' take advantage of it!"

"Alright, suit yourself. Can't say we didn't try."

So, the drivers leave the fireman in the caboose, and they got out right in the fuckin' knick of time because Henry came barreling through and completely obliterated the caboose, as well as the fireman inside…but no one cared.

Nope, it was Henry who was the center of attention because he was a literal wreck on the side of the track, and The Fat Guy comes by to check on him.

And Henry's like, "This isn't my fault, I swear! There was no red signal! I'll take a few weeks of suspension off if I have to, just _please_ don't fire me! I can't go back to my sugar daddy!"

And The Fatness is all, "Chill, Dude. The signal was just frozen. I'm not gonna blame you for something you had no control over."

"But what about the guy in the caboose?! I fucking killed him!"

"Oh, yeah. That was just Jerry. If anything, you did us a favor. The guy was an asshole."

"So, you're really not mad?"

"Nope. In fact, for all your troubles, I'm gonna have ya fixed up and fitted with a bigger firebox, and I'll even let ya pull the express more often."

"Can I still keep the drugs?"

"Of course! I'm not a monster!"

"Wait, why are you being so nice to me?"

"Honestly, I just don't want you tellin' people about the opium. Turns out, that shit's illegal in most cases."

"Fair enough."


	20. S1E20 Whistles and Sneezes

Ok so, before we get on with our regularly retarded program, I'm gonna explain some shit to you guys.

When this chapter comes out, this story will have just hit 1,000 views, which is fucking great. I didn't know if this story would be popular or anything, but you guys proved me wrong. However, I do have one complaint. I know this will make me sound like a complete ungrateful asshole, but I'll just keep getting pissed off if I don't point this out: Leave. A fucking. Review. You don't even have to add this story to your favorites or alert list, I don't care about that! I just wanna know what you guys think! Just because this has 1,000 views doesn't necessarily mean everyone likes it! Even if you have some painful critiques, I don't give a shit! Just tell me what you think! Don't even worry about signing in and/or not having an account. In case it wasn't obvious, guests can leave as many reviews as they want whenever they want.

So please, guys, tell me what you think. I don't want or need money. I just want some hugs…

Now that that shit's outta the way, let's get on with the stupid recaps that you guys seem to like for some reason.

So, Gordon's pissed that Henry's been taking the express instead of him, and he's like, "Why should Henry have a new shape?"(canon dialogue)

And I'm just like, "Uh, hey, Gordon? Are you…are you fucking blind? In case you couldn't tell, Henry's still the exact same shape as he was before. Doesn't matter if he got fixed up, he's still the same guy…just with better access to certain drugs."

And Percy's like, "Don't listen to him, Dude. He's just been upset since you started taking his job, and since he found out you're a gayer recolor of him."

And Gordon's like, "That's not true! …I mean, the second half isn't! All I'm saying is that just because he got a fancy tune up doesn't mean he can go flaunting it around like some brand new dildo."

"You would know what that's like, wouldn't you?"

"N-No…of course I wouldn't…look, Henry, we're glad you're not dead and everything, but quit acting like a special little bitch because you're not."

So, then Henry swings by Edward's place, and Ed's like, "Hey, dude! I heard you just got onto a horrible accident. You doin' ok?"

And Henry's like, "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for askin', man. You're, like, one of the very few people that have actually asked how I'm doing recently."

"I also heard Gordon was giving you shit earlier, and I didn't want you getting all depressed again."

"_That_ makes much more sense."

And then, this god-awful noise pierces the air, and it turns out it's coming from Gordon because he popped his penis and he's crying in agony. But as he rushes through the station, Edward and Gordon just give each other these knowing looks while doing absolutely nothing to help. When Gordon finally stops, they help him by popping his dick back into place, but he's still emotionally scarred.

And that night, Henry's like, "Hey, Gordon, what was that you said to me earlier? Oh, yeah—we're glad you're not dead and everything, but quit acting like a special little bitch. Because. You're. Not."

Then, the next day comes and Henry's feeling even better after his daily dose of HO, but his happiness is literally shattered when a bunch of shitty little kids on a bridge throw stones and break his coaches' windows. This pisses off all the passengers, but Henry's driver forms a brilliant plan to get back at the kids.

And he's like, "Don't worry, guys. I've got an idea."

And they're like, "How can we possibly get back at a bunch of kids without getting thrown in jail?"

"You ever heard the myth where you can have an orgasm if you sneeze hard enough?"

So, Henry's driver stuffs him full of ashes and jerks him off right as they pass under the bridge the kids are on, and Henry has an ogasming sneeze that causes him to blow ash and hot jizz all over them. And they don't even get in trouble because his load literally burns them to death, and, ya know, corpses can't sue 'cause they're, like…dead.


	21. S1E21 Toby the Tram Engine

So, we're out in the middle of nowhere with a brand new character named Toby the tram engine, or "tramp" engine as I like to call him because I'm trying to come up with shit that's actually funny. All joking aside, Toby's actually a lot like Edward: He's old, chill and a huge pussy.

Also, Toby's not alone because he's always pulling around some equally old coach named Henrietta, and she's like, "Goddamn it! I used to be such a popular whore that was stuffed to the fuckin' brim by humans! Now, I'm reduced to a slut that has to stare at an old engine's ass all day! What kind of fucked up life is that?!"

And Toby's like, "Whoa, dude, just chill out. You're still a high-class whore in my book."

"Toby, there're two reasons why what you just said sounds so wrong. One: I can already tell you're just saying that because you're a fuckin' doormat, especially we've been good friends for years. And two: _Because_ we're such old friends, hearing you say that raises a lot of red flags regardless because we've never had sex and never will. I mean, _I_ will probably have a good chance of gettin' laid again because of my experience, despite my old age. But you? Heh-heh, I don't think so."

"See, this is why no one else will work with you."

So then, Tobes and Henhouse stop by a station where The Fat Cunt's waiting with his family, but Tobes doesn't know it's him because he hasn't met him yet, which means he hasn't been bedazzled by his ultimate pimpness.

Then, Sir Whale Weight's granddaughter's like, "Granddad, what the fuck is that faggoty thing?!"

And the grandson's like, "Shutthefuckup, Sis! You're gonna piss it off, and then they'll burn us with their steam jizz!"

And The FC's all, "He's right, ya little bitch. Also, he's a tram engine."

"Is it electric?"(canon dialogue)

And Toby's like, "The fuck did you just call me?! The fat guy's right! You _are_ a little bitch!"

"Well, I'm a kid, so if you thought you'd get any respect from me, you're even more retarded than I am."

"You win this one."

So then, Henrietta lures them in with her slutty siren serenade, and they all go for a little ride because…why not? And just as Toby starts clinging onto the hopeful feeling of giving people joy with simple rides, his manager up and ghosts him.

But then, his driver's like, "Hey, dude! Guess what! You can quit your sulking!"

And Toby's like, "You mean, you've finally come to put me out of my misery, so that I no longer have to suffer the cruel, unexpected fuckboy that is life?"

"Uh…no? Something came in the mail for you."

"Is it bleach? I could go for a gallon or two, and considering I'm a fucking engine, it'll probably take more than that."

"Jesus Christ, Toby! No, it's a letter from that fat guy!"


	22. S1E22 Thomas Breaks the Rules

Ok so, Thomas is dickin' around on some line leading to a quarry…or some shit…and he comes across a cop sitting by the line, and I am already fucking amazed. Why, you ask? Because of the fact that Thomas is not only brave enough to approach the cop, but that he was willing to engage in witty conversation with him, too. Cops scare the shit out of me, and whenever I see one when I'm driving, I have a mental breakdown because I can't stand the uncertainty and humiliation of possibly getting pulled over and arrested.

The fact that Thomas didn't even flinch as soon as the cop made eye contact with him only reiterates the fact that he just doesn't give a shit…and I just wish I could do the same.

Anyway, Thomas is like, "Hey, Dude! Have you popped that giant zit on your ass yet? …Wait, you're not Mark…"

And the cop's like, "Uh, no, I'm not. Mark died. I'm his replacement."

"Oh, well, that's…terrible, I guess."

"I don't believe you, and I sure as hell don't like your tone. You should know better than to be more polite to a commanding officer."

"What do you mean? I didn't say anything remotely offensive!"

"Doesn't matter! I'm in charge here, so shut the fuck up before I send your ass back into poverty, where it belongs."

"Dude, you may be a cop, but I could literally crush you if I wanted to. I don't give a shit about what you want, or what you think of me. So just, ya know…suck a dick."

"Oh, yeah? Well, get this, you dumb whore! I can throw you in jail right now because you're not wearing a cow catcher _or_ side plates, which makes you hazardous to the public!"

And Tommy's driver's all, "Um, we've been through here a shit-ton of times, and literally no one has given a fuck about safety."

"And that's what makes it worse. Bend over, bitches!"

Meanwhile, Sir Fatness is havin' some breakfast, and the butler's like, "Hey, Boss? Someone's on the phone, says they wanna talk to you about one of your engines."

And Sir Big Smoke's like, "Goddamn it. This better not be Gordon's parole officer again."

So then, he meets up with the cop, and they ultimately have a screeching match about who's right and who's wrong, and Sir Fatness gets so tired from arguing that he gets a migraine.

And he's like, "Why am I even here? Trying to argue with a cop is like trying to out-troll someone on 4chan."

Now, I know I've already sucked Thomas' dick too much when it came to his bravery towards police, but I've gotta switch over to Sir Topham's for a sec. It makes a little more sense for Thomas to talk so casually with an officer because he's a dickhead with very little to lose, but this isn't the case with Topham. If he fucks up enough with the law, he could literally lose an entire railway and all the engines on it. He risks losing a lot of money, as well as putting his engines' lives at stake of being sent somewhere worse.

And it's at this moment that I can't tell if Topham just doesn't care like Thomas, or if he actually cares too much. Like, if you were Topham here yelling at a cop over something as stupid as an engine not being safe enough out on a country line, would you be getting up in their face, too? No, you wouldn't because you'd probably only see these retarded engines as nothing but pawns. But not The Controller. He sees them as something so much more meaningful and—dare I say it—useful: First-class whores.

But enough of that gay shit.

The cop's like, "I don't care if you don't care that people don't care about their own safety. The law requires that all engines wear cow catchers and side plates, and if you don't have them installed on all of yours right now, I'm getting my fluffy cuffs out."

And Tommy's like, "But I can't wear that shit! I'll look like a giant faggot!"

And Sir Biggy's like, "Thomas, you're a genius! If the law says we need a faggot on the line, then that's exactly what we'll get."

So, The Fat Guy e-mails the manager of the engine from the last episode, and KA-BLAM! Toby the tram engine is now part of the harem!


	23. S1E23 James in a Mess

So, James is like, "So, you're the new guy, right?"

And Toby's like, "Yup. Name's Toby."

"I don't give a shit. You're old and ugly as fuck, by the way."

"At least I never gave one of my coaches a black eye with my dick."

"That's it! I'm gonna fuckin' murder Gordon!"

So now, James is all butthurt and he fucks off to do his job, and he abuses some more trucks despite _literally_ just being reminded about the other time he abused coaches. And he gets even more pissed off when he has to take a huge and dirty train, and this got me thinking more about James' character. Like, is it me, or does James just seem like a huge germaphobe?

Yeah, I get why most of you would argue that, "He's just a narcissistic cunt who cares about looking his best, and getting the most attention." And in most cases, you'd be right, but I think there's more to this than James lets on. I think he sees the fact that if people found out he's just afraid of germs, they'd see him as a huge pussy. And for James, that's not an option because he's already come so far and gotten covered in so many bitches that losing all of that now would literally be like hitting rock bottom.

Anyway, James pisses off the trucks so much that they reuse the plot from the episode where they fucked up Thomas, and push him down Gordon's Bitchass Hill.

And, I swear, as this is happening, James is makin' this awesome face that looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream" is making a blowjob face.

And since James hasn't had a huge fuckup since his debut episode, he crashes into a couple of trucks filled with tar and gets with the stuff.

And then, the narrator's like, "Something sticky splashed all over James."(canon dialogue)

Do I even need to make the joke? It doesn't help that James' face is off screen when the narrator says this…then again, I think all of us would pay to see James get a facial.

And then, Toby and Percy show up, and Tobe's is like, "Well, what do we have here? This guy looks familiar, but I just can't put my finger on it."

And Lil' Green's like, "I dunno, it kinda looks like James."

"No, it couldn't be! James is a sexy red rocket, and this guy looks old and ugly as fuck. Wouldn't you agree, Percy?"

"Sure do, Dude!"

So then, they take James' dirty ass to The Big Cunt, and he's like, "Well, James, it seems only fitting for this to happen to someone like you. You're ugly on the inside, but now you're ugly on the outside, too."


End file.
